Let me begin by saying that this game is not trying to be a realistic spy thriller in any sense of the phrase. When it calls itself “the Espionage RPG”, it is intended with tongue firmly in cheek. It does not attempt to portray a realistic secret agent. It does not have any of the grit and high stakes you might mistakenly expect. It is, to its credit, more of a riff on popular culture’s frequent depictions of spies and government agents. It is, from a British perspective, more James Bond than Spooks. This is the only time a comparison will be deserving between the two but, like Red Dead Redemption, Alpha Protocol gives us the chance not to experience the reality but to experience the beloved, “classic” world that movies always trained us to expect.

However, rather impressively, Alpha Protocol actually manages to trump any and all of Rockstar’s efforts when it comes to utterly awful and ill-thought-out shooting mechanics. You can claim it is that old-school, arcade mentality if you want, but after playing the Metal Gear Solid series, it is brutally painful to be faced with a stealth system where a direct headshot isn’t an instant kill. Instead, I must hold down the aim button on my target for, quite frankly, an age before the game considers me focused enough for a shot to the head to be lethal. Don’t misunderstand; the game doesn’t deny me the headshot. This is not the Fallout 3 mentality of shooting, where it is a question of stats denying my aim was true. Whether I am fully locked on or not, blood will spurt from the skull of my target. I have shot him in the head. He just won’t die. Because, you know, presumably that’s a particularly hardy balaclava he’s wearing there.

Furthermore, I would urge any game designer not to put huge, gaping holes in your objects that I can see through and comfortably fit my sights into if you are not going to allow my bullets to actually pass through them. Last time I checked, air was never, under any circumstances, actually synonymous with bulletproof plexiglass. And, while this game has been in production for quite a long time, it has not been long enough that you can justify something that went out with the original PlayStation. No, it has just been long enough that you all had time to manage something better.

All I’m saying is that perhaps there should have been a Beta Protocol somewhere along the line before we reached the finished product, because this does not play like a game that was played by anyone who wasn’t forced to fork out the best part of £40 to own it. If it had been, they would have swiftly realised and pointed out that the developers have made a horrible mule child; this is a game that has all the charm of Eeyore, but little to none of the fine breeding we would expect from a well-known developer like Obsidian Entertainment. It’s a crippled stallion, and it is a wonder that nobody put it out of its misery during production. It would surely have thanked them for noticing its plight.

And this is without even mentioning the basic graphics, where character models are, while not unsightly, often blocky. Additionally, the textures take so long to load that they are beyond fashionably late, if anything that looked so questionable could ever be deemed fashionable in the first place. They are, in effect, the video game equivalent of Paris Hilton. Incidentally, it is not just the textures that take their time loading. Every sodding thing takes its time loading. I open a door, which leads to no cutscene or animation, and for some reason the game needs to pause and bring up its little loading disc while I wait for the room and its occupants to appear. Worse, sometimes you are forced to walk through a completely empty and unnecessary corridor that is quite clearly there purely to buy the game some loading time (last Taipei mission, I’m looking at you) and it still brings me to the loading disc despite its clever trickery. It makes Army of Two: 40th Day look swift. In 2010, we’ve rightly come to expect better than this. People say that Sony dropped PS2 backwards-compatibility from the PlayStation 3 in its newer models. Models like mine, in fact. After playing this game, you’d be forgiven for believing that was simply a baseless rumour.

Of course, this is all a matter of sloppy execution, and technical gripes. And while I no doubt seem infuriated by them, it is not because they are so inherently painful to sit through. I am infuriated because, from start to finish, you can see a game that had so much potential within it. From your first real mission, where you’re going after the one-eyed terrorist in order to get to his boss, Al Stereotype Hamad. From your first glimpse of the corrupt and villainous corporation. From your first meetings with the daring and beautiful reporter, the flirty tech support who loves whispering in your ear in the midst of battle, your jackass colleague and competitor, the cowardly Russian informant, and the deadly assassin. From start to finish, Alpha Protocol is rich with the iconic character types, motivations and storylines that we all love to see and that we’ve come to predict and expect. This could have been something definitive.

Emails and conversations are full of options that influence your relationships with both the apparent villains and the heroes of the piece. The wit present in the writing is genuinely entertaining and the iconic figures feel right. This game does everything you could ever want to make you feel like Jason Bourne, James Bond or Jack Bauer without changing your initials to J.B. as well. Though it may seem clichéd to some, that’s the beauty of it. Where else can you play as the renegade who gets the job done, the suave ladies man who’s quick with a joke as he shoots a man in the head, or the rogue agent and feel like you’re having an influence? When you play the games inspired by these characters, you feel like you’re only really taking part between cutscenes; you aren’t responsible for the character traits and the style that make the characters iconic rather than competent. In Alpha Protocol, it is the opposite, you’ve got everything you need to make yourself feel like the iconic, awesome badass you’ve watched so many times before, but the gameplay makes you and your enemies all look like incompetent fools.

In fact, the one and only thing that saves the fighting elements are the intel, gadgets and skills you can set up for yourself on the way into the missions. Buying information about a figure you have to converse with to make him easier to manipulate, paying off a disgruntled guard to leave a sniper rifle for you so you can take out your target from a distance (the only time gunplay is genuinely done right with a one shot kill), purchasing an EMP or a radio to break through electronics or cause a false all-clear to shut off alarms; you can go into the mission feeling like you genuinely made yourself more prepared by spending your money on what you decided you needed.

Additionally, the skills like “Hard to Kill” make you into the ludicrously tough agent who gets dropped by gunfire only to force his way back up to his feet with a sliver of health through sheer force of will. The stealth tactics like silent running or the limited time special stealth mode that makes you virtually impossible to detect enable you to sneak up on someone like you’re Sam Fisher and either knock them out or kill them with a silent takedown. You can increase your technical abilities, to make the surprisingly entertaining mini-games used for hacking computers, lock-picking and shutting off alarms easier on you. Your weapons and armour can be customised, upgraded and replaced. You can specialise yourself into whatever kind of awe-inspiring agent you choose to be.

It’s for this, for the characters, the specialization and the writing, that I can love Alpha Protocol. I love it like I love Beast Wars: Transformers or the sports team that’ll never win but just keeps trying; it’s technically flawed but it shows so much heart and passion for the material that those flaws are so almost secondary. This game was so almost great. This game was so almost up there with Hitman: Blood Money. It’s a genuine shame that this will never get a sequel so the core gameplay could be done right.

But, as one final thought for the people who might think poor gameplay and weak graphics are completely crippling to game, for the people who won’t give this a chance even after it has fallen to£15 or £20 as it no doubt will in matter of minutes: Go to Taipei, to your safe house, make your connections, then get on your motorcycle and speed off to the hotel mission. Because that mission is Alpha Protocol at its finest.

As has been widely reported, Triple H’s victory over Sheamus at WrestleMania has been taken as yet another example of WWE’s stagnant main event by the rising stars in the WWE locker room. According to one source:

Whether you rise or fall is down to nothing but luck. Orton and Hunter cancel pushes on a whim, and you only have to look at Kingston, Christian, DiBiase and now Sheamus to see that. If they like you, you’re in with a shot at the gold, but nobody wants to have to suck up like Swagger did just to have their talent noticed.

As a result, there has been much talk of moving to TNA, due to that company’s apparent willingness to establish new stars such as Desmond Wolfe, D’Angelo Dinero and the Impact! Zone’s greatest signing thus far, Chelsea. Eager to silence backstage mutterings regarding his reluctance to put talent over, Mr Levesque has signed himself up for WWE NXT’s Superstar Mentoring in Season Two. However, well aware of his own value, rather than being one of many mentors, in Season Two, Triple H will be the lone Mentor to the Rookies, with the eight competitors vying for his favour. Titled “WWE NXT: Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s My New BFF”, Season Two will start immediately after the finale of Season One.

Though Brett DiBiase and Kaval have already been confirmed to take part, the names of the other six participants have yet to be disclosed. In spite of that, some of the plans for Season Two are already being anticipated by the WWE roster. It is expected that Brett DiBiase will take on the role of Triple H’s bitch, consistently abused and buried by the 13-time Champion for his brother Ted’s actions towards The Game in the past. This will lead to a handicap match with the DiBiase’s facing Triple H for Brett’s Raw Contract, where they will emerge victorious for all of five minutes before Triple H lays them both out with a sledgehammer to stand tall at the end of the show in scenes reminiscent of the 3 Stages of Hell match from The Bash 2009 where he did the same to Randy Orton.

Meanwhile, Kaval is set to go to SmackDown after WWE NXT Season Two, though this could obviously change depending on his perceived backstage attitude. If he does, expect him to take on a Hardcore Holly-esque role, being presented as a legitimately stiff worker who is used to punish and test the will and desire of those who have not yet paid their dues. Thanks to CM Punk and Christian speaking very highly of him, he is seen as more veteran than newcomer despite never working for WWE before, so this role is seen as ideal for him and his style.

In other NXT-related news, Paris Hilton has been signed as a future Guest Host of Raw. The socialite, model, singer, actress and heiress will not only run the show for one night, but also spend that night giving tips to Triple H for his NXT role. Following her guidance, he will use NXT Season Two not only to mentor the Rookies but also to find a new “Best Friend Forever” for himself; something he will have lacked for several months by this point due to Shawn Michaels’ departure. Mr Levesque is said to be very excited to work with Ms Hilton, considering her to be the WWE’s potential answer to TNA’s Brooke Hogan thanks to her very limited singing ability and blonde hair.

For those of you who may now be wondering, yes, we can confirm that Triple H’s penchant for blondes was the reason for Stephanie McMahon’s 2005 hair colour change. Mr Levesque, we thank you.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson is sure Shawn Michaels could never be replaced by any wrestler, let alone an NXT Rookie that Triple H had known for all of five minutes. Furthermore, he did not mean to imply that Mrs McMahon-Levesque looks better with blonde hair than with brown. She is equally stunning as a brunette.

Sources from within wwe.com have today leaked the original WrestleMania XXVI promotional artwork that was created for the website. Originating from the very end of last year, just prior to the “game-changer” that was Bret Hart’s agreement to return to the WWE in the run up to WrestleMania, this promotional artwork gives us a rare insight into the evolution of WWE’s plans on the Road to WrestleMania:

With the World Heavyweight and WWE titles being defended by Christian and Randy Orton respectively, Shawn Michaels and Triple H were always set to take a break from the WrestleMania title scene. However, while they were then set to face each other, the move to pair Triple H with Sheamus and Michaels with Undertaker has now been made instead. The fallout from this decision can clearly be seen in Kofi Kingston’s place on the show, with Kingston moving from a major feature on the card down to a last minute addition to the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. This also led to Roddy Piper being dropped from his Special Guest appearance as referee of a match between Kingston and Sheamus that was intended to serve as a call back to Piper’s WrestleMania 6 half black/half white appearance.

Further, Beth Phoenix, originally intended to hold an important spot on the night as the next challenger to Undertaker’s streak has now been lowered to a 10-Diva tag match, thanks to Undertaker’s reassignment as Michael’s opponent. The Glamazon had been set to take a leading role due to her name’s link to Phoenix, Arizona where WrestleMania 26 is being held.

Lastly, in honour of the work John Bradshaw Layfield did alongside Rey Mysterio at WrestleMania 25, using his WWE exit to bring the InterContinental title back to WrestleMania, four excellent technical wrestlers were due to fight for the title that Chris Jericho would have held going in. The spectacular post-WM25 matches between Mysterio and Jericho would have been elevated to the next level, with another former World Heavyweight Champion in CM Punk joining them in the match, as well as the huge fan favourite, Hornswoggle. This Fatal Fourway’s importance would have been raised even more by each challenger having to put something on the line to earn their right to join the match, with the superstar who was pinned losing whatever they had offered up. By presenting the InterContinental title as more important than CM Punk’s hair, Rey Mysterio’s mask or even Hornswoggle’s hat, it was felt that the belt could again be seen as the great midcard title it once was.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson strongly suspects that Hornswoggle would never put his hat on the line in a match, no matter which title was on the line.

Sadly, this is not a unique perspective. The one and only time I ever lost respect for Mark “Undertaker” Calaway was when he said that the internet fans who criticise the programming they see, the ones who question decisions that were made of who to push and what angles to run with, had no clue what they were talking about. He said that they were so involved in the idea of being “smarks” that they had forgotten that they were the audience, not part of the production, and that they needed to sit back and just enjoy what they were given. I cannot imagine that Cornette and Calaway are the only ones who feel that way, but I am disgusted by the arrogance of their opinion nonetheless.

In fact, I know that they are not the only ones who feel that way. A matter of weeks ago, when Hulk Hogan came out to debut the “new” old school four-sided ring, he shot down the fans who chanted for six sides live on television in one of the most pathetically egotistical displays I’ve ever seen on an international platform. Apparently, the fans didn’t understand what was necessary to take the company to the next level. You know the next level, right? The one that is reached purely by having a greater volume of those same idiot fans who Hogan expected to simply act like sheep, following his every word.

Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and Jim Cornette. In all honesty, they’re three of the bigger, if not biggest, names in the industry, and they’ve achieved a great deal. It just seems that somewhere along the way they managed to forget that being big in the wrestling industry doesn’t actually mean shit in and of itself. Wrestling is an entertainment medium, so it only has value by virtue of the fans who experience it. Hogan, Calaway and Cornette are not inherently important. The fans made them important. And that fact desperately needs to be respected.

People criticise films and nobody utters a single complaint about it. People criticise music and nobody utters a single complaint about it. People criticise television, video games, novels, plays, stand up comedy and every single other entertainment medium and nobody complains. They may disagree with an expressed opinion, but they’ll never really deny the audience’s right to have an opinion on what would make a show more entertaining for them. Because entertaining the audience is the only measure of success for an entertainment product.

All you have to do to have a valid opinion on an entertainment product is to have experienced it, to have read it or to have watched it or to have heard it. You don’t have to know how things work backstage. You don’t have to know shit. When it comes to an entertainment medium, the audience is always right in their opinion because the sole condition of success and failure in an entertainment medium when it comes to quality is simply audience opinion. Nothing else matters.

If a crowd walks out of a movie at the end saying it varied between disappointing, underwhelming and utterly shit, the correct response is not to tell them that they’ve never made a movie so they should shut up and enjoy it because they have no basis for their opinion. The correct response is to question why they felt that way, what they felt would have improved the product, and make the according changes. That’s the whole point of fucking preview audiences. As much as the wrestling industry may long to be able to claim they are in some way above the level of all other entertainment media, they are not. The audience’s opinion is final.

Frankly, it is a sign of the immaturity of a medium when its sole response to criticism is to tell people to shut up and accept whatever they are given because the makers know better. Entertainment exists to please the audience, so the audience are always right. It is ironic that a medium such as wrestling, one that is perhaps the purest example of entertainment due to its lack of complication and aspiration for higher meaning, is so frequently unable to recognise that basic fact of entertainment products.

There is an arrogance in the wrestling industry that is spawned purely from ignorance. Somewhere along the line, a lot of people became a little too enamored with themselves, and forgot that the only reason they mean anything is because the fans of their work made them mean something. If you’re an entertainer, you bow to the whims of your audience. No self-respecting stand up comedian will walk out into a crowd, find certain types of his jokes are bombing and continue with them regardless. He plays to his audience, because they are the ones who are right. If they’re not entertained, if they feel they could be better entertained by something different, it is your job as an entertainer to respect that. It is your job to respond to that.

The wrestling industry is pure showmanship. Perhaps it is even the purest showmanship. They have no excuse for not knowing better.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson finds it highly doubtful that Jim Cornette actually smokes the cock. Cornette is simply, most probably, an arrogant fool with a mouth that talks faster than his brain can think. It is not his fault that he is, in some respects, a moron. Peter Thompson would also like to make it clear that, though he believes the arrogance to be widespread, he is certain that many wrestlers are genuinely respectful of the fans it is their job to entertain to the best of their ability.

The thing is, I don’t even dislike Courtney Love on the whole. I can’t blame someone for their own insanity. I find her entertaining. They say a lot of the great murderers in history were rather charismatic people. And, for legal reasons, I must urge you to understand that none of those four sentences are linked to one another, despite what their placing may suggest. In fact, this entire post will simply be a series of disparate comments, wholly unrelated to one another. Courtney Love. Mercenary idiot. See? Unrelated.

I’m not going to make this into an argument about whether or not Kurt Cobain should morally or legally be playable for any song on the Guitar Hero 5 game. Although, for the record, I’m personally of the belief that it is morally incorrect to disrespect the image of any dead person in such a manner, by farming them out in opposition to something they stood for while alive in order to make some money or anything else, but that it is legally permissible seeing as some kind of moron signed a contract allowing Activision to use his likeness in that way.

All I’m saying is, if I was going to sign a contract to dig up my dead husband’s corpse and put it on stage for one of the most disgustingly corporate games and companies around, I’d make damn sure I read the fucking thing first. Just a thought. Maybe don’t just check, but double check. I understand how the big dollar signs might have blinded her, and maybe they would even have blinded Cobain himself (After all, is any Nirvana song more iconic than “Smells Like Greed’s Spirit”?), but just take a second look before you sign it. Because, once you’ve signed the use of his likeness away to a huge corporation, you don’t really have a leg to stand on. It’s still creepy as fuck, but you gave them permission.

Incidentally, while I’m on the subject of that huge corporation, I’d just like to say that it takes a special level of idiot bitch to make people back the Satan of the Video Game Industry over the Weeping Widow. But, the simple fact is, you signed it, Courtney. If there was a way to back you, people would. No matter how much they detest you, they love Cobain. Similarly, there isn’t anyone who would disagree with the sentiments expressed by Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic:

We want people to know that we are dismayed and very disappointed in the way a facsimile of Kurt is used in the Guitar Hero game. The name and likeness of Kurt Cobain are the sole property of his estate – we have no control whatsoever in that area. [...] It’s hard to watch an image of Kurt pantomiming other artists’ music alongside cartoon characters. Kurt Cobain wrote songs that hold a lot of meaning to people all over the world. We feel he deserves better.

However, she signed it. Activision are in no legal sense in the wrong for having done what they did. They aren’t even morally wrong, necessarily, since it’s asking a lot for them to spend money locking a character who they already spent money to have at their disposal after the game is long completed. They got permission from the widow, the woman who should stand for what Cobain did when it’s time to represent his estate; they did their duty. It’s just a damn shame she was in too much of a hurry to make the money from the deal to actually check what she was giving them. It’s a damn shame Grohl and Novoselic weren’t in charge of it instead of Yoko Ono. They might actually have taken the time to consider what was being asked in respect to their friend’s image.

 My main issue with the whole Courtney Love situation is a basic one though. Very recently, Courtney Love told NME:

I think Kurt would be fine with having five Kurt Cobains singing the (Spice Girls) song Wannabe, like, ‘Tell me what you want, what you really really want.’ … I think he’d find that really funny.

But at the same time it’s gross what they did.  [...] It’s just gross. This is the rock ‘n’ roll business, this is what people do. They are sleazy; they do sleazy things.

Later on in the interview, she also announced a re-release of the single “Pennyroyal Tea”, with a brand new art cover that will consist of a pot calling a kettle black. I mean, sure, they asked if they could dig up your husband to use him as the face of their money-making scheme, but you agreed to it. Their interest is in making money, your interest should have been in protecting your husband. Who’s the one who fucked their end of the deal up?

In any case, she didn’t help her argument, did she? The only reason to publicly talk about a legal battle is to sway public opinion to your side so that there will be outcry if you lose. I suspect that saying the only person the public actually care about, Kurt Cobain rather than his moronic widow, would have been fine with the whole thing isn’t a great plan. First, you’ll piss off all the people who are certain Cobain would have been disgusted by the entire game and, second, you’ll ensure that everyone who just wanted what was right for Cobain (without any set opinion as to what that may be) will no longer give a shit about this legal battle because you just said he would have been fine about it.

I mean, seriously, shut the fuck up, Courtney! Even though I think you’ve got no argument anyway, I can still tell that you’re hurting the pretence every single time you open your godforsaken mouth without sticking a shotgun into it. Just quietly lose. It’s better for everyone’s reputation.

One last thought though. Considering the rate at which legal battles progress and the rate at which Activision milk the shit out of the Guitar Hero franchise, Guiter Hero 6 will probably be out before they could ever settle this argument in her favour with Cobain being locked to Nirvana tracks. People will have moved on to the next game in the series and have let Cobain slip back into his grave. So, surely it’s in her benefit, assuming she is after justice rather than the satisfaction of her own greed, to simply stop arguing about this publicly? Because, every time she brings it up after that point, she’ll be publicly humiliating Cobain and paining those who care about him more than the game is.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson intended no disrespect to the late, great Kurt Cobain or his fellow Nirvana members. He also implores anyone who may read this to take any perceived accusations towards or defamation of Ms. Love as purely a figment of their own misguided imagination rather than actual features of this post. Any such belief would be as warped and distorted as Ms. Love’s mind and/or face appears to be.

In a move thought up to prove to the company’s older fans that they have not been abandoned, and one year after the critically acclaimed Kid Rock WrestleMania performance, the WWE are set to announce that this year’s WrestleMania will be something of a ‘Psycho Circus’. That’s right, with Vince McMahon’s finger as on the pulse as ever, he has signed KISS to perform some of their greatest tracks throughout the course of the night, live on the Grandest Stage of Them All. WrestleMania Promotional posters are already being changed to reflect this thrilling agreement between the biggest icons in the music and sports entertainment worlds:

Previous storyline plans are similarly being adjusted or facing outright replacement. Beth Phoenix’s recent injection into the McCool/Layla Vs Maria/Mickie feud, for example, was executed in order to ensure her a major spot on the WrestleMania card, so that KISS can play her in with the award-winning “Beth”. The main Diva match for WrestleMania has thus become a Triple Threat match, pitting the face Mickie James, the heel Michelle McCool and the tweener Beth Phoenix all up against one another.

You can also expect Mark Henry to begin being billed as “Residing in New York” in the coming weeks so that he may enter to the sounds of “New York Groove”, while promos for the ever-popular Marcus Cor Von (Monty Brown) shall also be airing in preparation for his return with the background music of “Detroit Rock City”. It is expected that both of these wrestlers will be taking part in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match, with KISS playing both of them in live. Henry in particular, a life long KISS fan, is said to be ecstatic about this turn of events.

The penultimate role of KISS during the evening shall revolve around Michaels/Undertaker II. Not only will Shawn Michaels be entering to “God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll to You II” and Undertaker to “All Hell’s Breakin’ Loose”, but the promo package for their feud shall be played to the tune of “Heaven’s on Fire”. It is hoped that their live performance will help to distract the audience from Undertaker’s entrance, which will most likely be even longer than usual due to the unfortunate state of the Deadman’s knees.

Lastly, KISS will play their iconic hits “Strutter”, “I Was Made for Lovin’ You” and “Rock and Roll All Nite” in the space on the card that was originally reserved for Christian’s ECW Championship match. In a scene reminiscent of last year’s Tag Team Title Unification Match, Christian and the ECW title will now be relegated to the pre-show. Though it was originally considered possible that the Khali/Slam Master J Vs Haas/Knox match could have been pushed onto the pre-show instead, it is currently felt that their tag team match will be more of a draw than Christian ever could be, so the ECW Champion will be taking the hit instead.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson would not even be surprised if Mark Henry hated KISS, and thinks it nothing short of lunacy to suggest that Christian is undervalued by the WWE.

However, looking at the latest part of their campaign, I can’t help but feel that they’ve missed the point somewhat. Here it is:

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re about Animal Rights. Without compromise. If any animal gets harmed in any way because of our selfish desire for pleasure, it’s unacceptable. You can’t skin a meercat to score a stylish new scarf. You can’t put lipstick on a monkey. You can’t force a fez-wearing bear onto a unicycle and whip or electrocute it until it cycles around the twenty-seven clowns in their Mini to the unrestrained joy of all the morons who have gone for a day out at the circus. So why, exactly, can we mutilate the genitals of a cat or a dog simply because we don’t want to have a ton of little kittens or puppies to go along with our family pets?

Incidentally, I can already guess the immediate answer will be that by neutering pets we guarantee that there aren’t numerous unwanted animals abandoned to animal shelters where they will then be killed because nobody can find a home for them. I just don’t understand how the fight shouldn’t then be against the slaughtering of animals because they’re too great an expense to keep locked up and too disruptive or ill-prepared if we let them loose. Surely the way to fight against animals being killed isn’t to mutilate them, it’s to simply fight against them being killed for financial reasons?

I understand that many pets wouldn’t actually survive if let loose into the wild, but that’s our fault for taming the little fucks in the first place, so it’s our collective duty to somehow ensure they do survive given the reality we created for them. Hell, PETA go right ahead and agree that we were wrong to originally domesticate them, because it’s a form of imprisonment and they now can’t survive without us but will grow too numerous if allowed to procreate as they wish. They agree. Yet, somehow, their response is to mutilate the ones we do have in order to prevent other people murdering the ones that come out later. That’s just wrong.

Institutionalized murder is still murder, and should be fought against as such. Is it impractical to suggest we should all be forced to care for as many dogs and cats as there end up being? Yes, it definitely is. But their sole concern is supposed to be about what is the most morally correct action with respect to the animals they speak on behalf of; they are not meant to be concerned with the practicality of it.

They should be out there fighting for Trojan and Durex to produce Catdoms or Condogs, with no concern for the fact it is implausible. They should be out there telling people with dogs to actually watch the sodding things to ensure they don’t go around impregnating any bitch in sight. Their official line should not be one that advocates spaying and neutering; it should be one that clearly states that the mutilation of any animal for our ease or our pleasure is wrong.

Mutilating some animals because otherwise we’d choose to murder many more of them in order to save money is a choice motivated by pleasure. Namely, the pleasure that comes from saving money and having an easier life. It is not that far removed from the experimentation and testing and torture and skinning that PETA so vehemently, and correctly, oppose. They should not ever unreservedly support such action. It is still the abuse of an animal for our benefit. It is, perhaps, acceptable when it comes to directly saving lives: if you’re killing an animal for food, and then using what remains for clothing, or (and I am personally very much unsure about this) if you’re trying to stop a fatal degenerative disease in humans. But nobody would die if we didn’t neuter and spay our pets apart from the animals that we would then decide to kill afterwards. That isn’t about necessity; it’s about selfish choice. We’re just too lazy and too focused on cost to recognise the intrinsic value of the lives of those animals.

I’m not denying that the method that has the greatest level of success is undoubtedly going to be spaying and neutering, and I’m not going to say that PETA should deny that. I just don’t think their company line should be that it is morally right. It is, at best, morally neutral. The most appropriate thing they can do is say that, until such a time as humanity stops being almost exclusively selfish in the most frivolous of ways, neutering and spaying is, unfortunately, a better option than murder. But they should never call it right. It isn’t right from the perspective of those animals they claim to stand for.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson is disgusted by any example of the strong selfishly abusing the weak, be it between humans and animals or humans and other humans, and thinks that particular issue is something that should never be compromised on. Back the underdog.

Have I missed something somewhere? Is my dictionary entirely unlike everyone else’s? It certainly doesn’t match Hulk Hogan’s because I have never seen such a blatant contradiction between the claims of a man and the reality of his actions. Last time I checked, if you were changing an industry, I shouldn’t be able to look a few years into the past and see an almost identical product sitting right there. That’s not change he’s bringing; it’s the reversal of change. Hell, let’s take a look down the list here, shall we?

We Want Six Sides! - People have been calling the TNA fans in the iMPACT! Zone petty and pathetic. Apparently, though they cheer the proposition of change, they cower in fear whenever it stares them in the face. That is, quite simply, not the case. Six Sides was unique, maybe not better, but unique. Something that is unique is, by definition, a change from everything else. If you’re going to swoop in with your big banner of change and take away a distinctive feature of TNA without any warning for the fans in attendance, being as arrogant as to tell them that it “only got [them] so far” and they need to “change”, you’d better be damn sure you aren’t just ensuring that an old form persists.

You cannot say that four sides is wrestling while six sides is not, when your claim is that you are going to change the face of wrestling. The entire point of change is to throw off that kind of stigma, to turn your back on the restrictions that tradition brings. He was not offering change, he was offering persistence under the guise of change. He’s damn right he got booed. He misled the fans. And if he wanted them behind him, or more importantly if he wanted to deserve them getting behind him, he should have been a little more understanding of that fact. The return to a four-sided ring may not have been a mistake, but Hulk Hogan’s presentation of it was just plain wrong. Tough love may promote improvement, but it still makes you a jackass.

WCW Entrance – The return of a traditional ring brings me comfortably to my next point. Are they physically unable to build new structures over in TNA now? Has Hogan persuaded Dixie Carter to fire most of the workforce? Because, if not, I have no idea why they needed to go into Eric Bischoff’s basement to dig out that god-awful elevated walkway. It serves no purpose other than to restrict movement around the outside of the ring. A ring which, incidentally, has been given no space around it before you hit the barricade anyway. AJ Styles could have killed himself at Genesis when he flung himself down onto Kurt Angle. Considering the high-flying style a lot of their wrestlers use, would it not make sense to give them room to work even if you want to tone down the spotty nature of some matches?

The ramp is an unnecessary obstruction that takes away space they were already woefully lacking anyway. Let’s see how well SuperMex Hernandez does with his suicide dive with that thing there to break his face on. He’s hardly the kind of wrestler anyone would consider a spot monkey, but either his big, reliable pop is now damaged or his health is risked. Neither option sounds ideal to me. It’s not a great trade-off in order to relive WCW in the early 90s. And let’s face it, there is no other motivation for it. Get rid of the elevated walkway and push back the barrier. Who the hell cares if you can’t get quite as many people in? They aren’t paying you anyway.

The Band – Recently, I’d been reading reports that stated Sean Waltman was giving some of the best in-ring performances of his entire career and suggestions that maybe it was time for him to take another shot on television. No longer was he the utterly detestable character who was so hated that he got his own form of heat named after him for whenever the fans legitimately wanted a wrestler fired and out of their sight. No, now he was putting on a show night after night. So, what do TNA do to ensure fans give him a second chance? That’s right, they weigh him down with the exact same gimmick and the exact same attitude and the exact same people on screen with him, making it impossible for him to escape the stigma of being “that other one” in the Kliq that nobody particularly liked.

People were huge fans of The Outsiders. They were huge fans of the nWo trio of Hogan, Nash and Hall. Sean Waltman was teaming with Albert and Justin Credible in X-Factor and getting hated. To give Waltman the real shot that he deserves, he needs the past stripped away. He can’t be stuck in that rut if he’s going to live up to his potential. And he isn’t the only guy they’re using purely as a figure of the past either…

The Legends and the Rejects - You want to bring in Hogan and Flair in non-wrestling roles? That’s perfect. That’s the way that legends of the industry should be used. You want to use more exposed names like Angle and The Outsiders to give a rub to the homegrown TNA talent like Beer Money Inc (the best modern tag team to form in years) or AJ Styles in order to show new viewers that those guys they’ve never heard of are credible performers worth watching? You’re doing excellent work. You want to take Mr Anderson and Pope D’Angelo Dinero and others like them and give them the shot they deserve where the WWE failed to? You do that, because they are two of the best stars around today with the kind of mic work that could get the people chanting in their millions. You want to take Team 3D and The Nasty Boys and have them feud over a trashed locker room? Hell yeah, you sho…wait, you want to do what?

As much as I enjoyed seeing The Nasty Boys on the 4th of January for the nostalgia, they should not be employed to feud with the same old guys that they always did. Hogan said on PPV that he wanted to see Abyss go out and show what he can do in terms of pure wrestling without all that hardcore, cheap pop performance. Then, at the same time, he allows a feud between Team 3D and The Nasty Boys to go ahead. The only one of those four who can still wrestle, or arguably ever could, is D-Von. And I like D-Von, but even I know that this is not the best use of anyone’s time. It’s not even close. I’m happy to see people like Val Venis back on television, but it doesn’t represent change unless their used to give a rub and pass the torch.

The Results – AJ Styles turned heel by aligning with a man who is all but guaranteed a face pop in all his appearances no matter what he does in Ric Flair. The crowd were certainly unhappy that Styles cheated, but he’s just aligned himself with the Nature Boy, a man who is cheered for being the Dirtiest Player in the Game. Their antics won’t draw heat; they’ll draw a pop. Like Eddie Guerrero was, Ric Flair is loved for his cheating ways. Unless their intention is to keep AJ a face, which would certainly benefit the horrendous masked man pay-off with Tomko, I don’t see how aligning him with Flair makes sense. He is seen to be for pure wrestling what Hulk Hogan is for entertainment. Even as a heel, he’s a face.

Mr Anderson was booked to go over Abyss. I would be alright with that, because they’re both rising stars and it was an unclean finish with the brass knuckles that helped build him as a heel, but why did he have to take a Shock Treatment that was perfectly pitched to be the finish for the match and then kick out of it like it was nothing? It’s a small issue, but it’s exactly the kind of issue that leads to immature backlash from those quick to claim a match was a burial and that all homegrown talent no longer has a shot.

Val Venis defeated Christopher Daniels clean. There are only three men who can be considered the big TNA guys. The X-Division stars who stand for what TNA was always intended to stand for at the beginning. The trio who main evented Unbreakable and gave us the greatest triple threat match of all time when they did so. If you want to give a face support from the fans, don’t have him beat one of that trio; they’re necessarily more loved than he is because of how much they’ve given already.

Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles should have been untouchable at Genesis because they are TNA. And, of the three, one lost clean to a former WWE Superstar who, although talented, was still a jobber, one has been put into a warped sort of heel role that doesn’t make a lot of sense for him or the storylines currently, and the last didn’t even get onto the card. If you want to represent change, how about you lead the charge with the three men who could be the faces of change since they’ve only ever been the faces of an as yet widely unseen TNA? Don’t pretend it’s change if you throw away half of the innovation that TNA was responsible for.

The Verdict – Hulk Hogan simultaneously claimed that he was going to change the face of wrestling through his partnership with TNA and that he would be expecting everyone to prove themselves because he was starting everybody off on a clean slate where everyone had to prove their worth and earn their spot.

He did this by mutilating the face of TNA instead until it looked near identical to the product the now rightly dead WCW put out when they tried to compete in the long term by living in the past. You can show as much dissent as you like, and portray Hulk Hogan as being as harsh on these “new” talents as you like, but that doesn’t change the fact that all the time you spend showing him insisting that Hall and others like him earn their spot and that “it isn’t the same, brother” is time that those old timers are spending being given far more exposure than the homegrown and young talents we all wanted to see elevated.

At Genesis, TNA was made to look identical to an early 90s WCW PPV. That isn’t change; it’s the reversal, the negation, of change. Since arriving in TNA, Hulk Hogan has been consistently dedicating television time to telling the old guys that they have to earn their spot in the new TNA, but all that time he’s spent has been time that could have been spent just giving exposure to the young guys who aren’t getting on the card because it’s so packed with old guys proving their worth. By spending so much time bringing out the old guys and showing why it’s different, they’re making it the same.

I’m not saying everything TNA did has been flawed. It’s just that every step forward has come with two steps back, and that isn’t progress. When someone says they’re bringing change, people expect it to mean progress, not a return to the old regime. Hogan has even said that he wants ring psychology back, which is truly admirable, but not when it apparently comes at the expense of removing huge chunks of the modern style that has followed since his day. He can give the “rejects” a shot, because they’re talented men. There’s no harm there. But he should not be giving a shot to the old sets and the old guys when it stops the future of the business from doing what they do best.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson does, however, strongly feel that Generation Me Vs MCMG was the highlight of the last week in wrestling, which should be indicative of the path forward. He also feels that while Pope D’Angelo Dinero, Ken Anderson, Desmond Wolfe, Christopher Daniels, Beer Money and all that walk with them are stealing the show by being genuinely innovative and marking a change, an evolution from the stars of the past, resurrecting WCW in all but name and having The Nasty Boys Vs Team 3D and other similar feuds does nothing for the progress of the wrestling industry. Pope is Pimpin’.

As has already been reported among many news sites this morning, and fresh off the rumour mill, John “The Champ” Cena is suffering from back problems. It was originally suspected that his recent feud with Sheamus had aggravated his back due to Cena having to take an unusual number of bumps; a scenario which the dominant Cena does not often find himself in. However, speaking out against claims that his protege’s stiff work was the cause of Cena’s injury, Triple H has been reported as saying at recent house shows that:

Some people are built for a career of carrying the entire show on their back. They can take the strain. Look at me; I’ve never had a serious back injury and I’ve got title reigns that go into the double figures. Look at Orton. Look at Flair; that man could carry the weight of the industry on his back for 16 reigns even after it had been broken. It is not Sheamus’ fault. Cena is just a lightweight. But, rest assured, I’ll be more than happy to step into the breach if the WrestleMania WWE Championship match is in jeopardy.

With Cena out, Sheamus/Orton has already been rushed in to fill the gap at the Royal Rumble, despite it’s heel Vs heel status. Naturally, the Elimination Chamber is of no concern as any five competitors can be found to fill that up. However, expect the WrestleMania Main Event to now consist of either WWE Champion Randy Orton Vs Royal Rumble Winner Kofi Kingston, or Triple H Vs Sheamus in what would very much be a “You want me to pass the torch? Hell no, I’ll just keep it right here with me, thanks. I’d hate to see you burn yourself” scenario.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson would be nothing less than amazed if Triple H ever took it upon himself to elevate himself, verbally or otherwise, above any of Raw’s fantastic talent. Especially when he is widely reported to be a very generous wrestler indeed.

The Baddest Man on the Planet is officially the “Biggest Asshole on the Planet”, or at least he should be believed to be such if backstage talk is anything to go by. Although many have expressed their disdain for non-wrestling figures being elevated so prominently on what does purport to be wrestling programming, this went one step further last night after Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself joined the previously Carlito-led group of naysayers.

Obviously, as a huge locker room leader, Carlito, looked up to as Raw’s equivalent to the Undertaker by many and with enough stroke to get himself a part-time appearance deal on par with Undertaker’s, had been presenting a truly strong case on behalf of the displeased members of the Raw roster in scenes reminiscent of his storyline appeal for Teddy Long’s firing on SmackDown. However, even with all his backstage pull, he never seemed likely to change the course of the show until now, with Vince McMahon also entrenched in his corner at least against Mike Tyson.

According to multiple backstage sources who spoke to us about Mr Tyson:

He was a jackass who tried to run the show from the minute he got here. Jericho was officially off the show, only backstage relaxing with some of the boys and Kelly Kelly, but Mr Tyson’s a fan so suddenly poor Chris was forced to work the night. It was meant to be his night off. Hell, it was originally supposed to be Mike Tyson managing a tweener DX against the Hart Dynasty, with him betraying DX just in time for a Bret Hart vignette to come up on the screen. Bret even filmed the damn thing last week!

But Mr Tyson was having none of that. He insisted he would not be on the same show as the Hart Dynasty; he didn’t want “that punk” Tyson Kidd “infringing” on his name. So suddenly all the plans had to change. It was bullshit, and it forced Vince’s promo to lead to nothing. The big face pop was meant to be for Bret Hart, not for Mike “The Saddest Man on the Planet” Tyson. It was disgusting. He practically held the show to ransom.

Furthermore, Mr Tyson is also rumoured to have pushed for a blade job from Chris Jericho after he punched him, as he was tired of the child-orientated, edgeless programming he had been seeing from the company. Remember, of course, that his last appearances were at the dawn of the Attitude Era, so the PG attitude that is now being taken is something of a surprise to the man. However, he was fortunately talked out of that particular demand by Mr McMahon before Jericho’s pretty, pretty face could be marked.

Rumour has it that Vince McMahon’s mutterings after he left the meeting with Mike Tyson were to the effect that “a fool like that with a moronic tattoo around his eye, which looked like he missed the image of a bruised eyesocket from his days as a worthwhile name and decided to darken it another way, had no place telling others how to mark their faces, even at the hairline”, but this is currently uncorroborated. It is said that Mr McMahon hurt his ankle upon exiting the room, which gave him the time necessary to unleash such a diatribe as he hobbling away.

Please note, this article should not be considered representative of the truth. It should not be considered an accurate depiction of states or events. It is not factual. It is merely an opinion, held by no one, and certainly not endorsed by either the author of this blog or the host. Peter Thompson is sure Mike Tyson is not a jackass of any sort, and that nobody would ever have cause to complain about him or accuse him of throwing a diva-esque strop. He is equally sure that Mike Tyson’s tattoo does not make him look like a fucking moron, and a man who should be the face of any “Ban Boxing: It Causes Brain Damage” campaigns.